I am the parent of an only child (9). ❤️. I did IVF to get my little guy. Then I started throwing up. He is more than loving in this process, but it creates tension because I don’t know what I want. I have 2 wonderful kids and wished I had more, but I married late, started late, and had a high risk pregnancy with my 2nd. I know I’m biased in this (wink wink), but I really do believe that only children grow up to be more well-adjusted, confident, and high-achieving people. I feel more balanced. The fear of no longer having children, who are the focus of my world, is real. Keep trying and advocate for yourself-I learned my lessons waaay to late. Sign your child up for activities like band or soccer so he'll never lack for companionship. Thanks for letting me ramble. I had always planned on 2 or 3, but after the 1st we decided to stop. There is nothing to be ashamed of! Thank you so much for sharing—it makes me feel normal and not alone :), I feel as if I could have written this myself. My husband is an only child and I have a brother I am not real close with, but we thought maybe a second child would be great. It isn’t an easy decision but after 3 1/2 half years, I am finally starting to come to peace with our decision. I feel like having an only child would mean more time for me, for my husband, and it kind of seems sweet, the idea of a triangle family. (We’d be having another with frozen embryos.) Can you be happy with all of the freedom in the world but the possibility of losing your relationship and wondering what you might have made together? Don’t bother with any negative comments because it won’t make me feel any shittier than i already do about it. I am so epically lucky to have an amazing support system of friends and extended family, but nothing compares to the partnership of a sibling later in life. Suffice it to say, who knows that it would be easier with a sibling. Not to mention expensive! We had a very difficult first few weeks with my daughter home as we had to evacuate our home because of Hurricane Irma when my daughter was 2 weeks old and did not have electricity for 11 days after. I am an only child, and I do feel it was a lonely experience. 3. Hello, I am Ifigenia 37, from Greece. 2 years ago my mother passed away and it was very hard for all of us. I would love to see this topic more discussed in the open, because right now it feels like something to be ashamed of. I had the baby blues from day 4 to day 12, what a frightening experience. Where and how does another child fit into this? There’s nothing that you could have done to prevent their current crises. I have a beautiful life and just want to have deep appreciation for what I have. And I am very grateful for her decision. ), I came to realize that I just need to be present for the family that I have. Sarah and BH and Caitlin – all of this. I would love to have 4 kids and am still envious of those around me with 4 + children. Although I do enjoy the occasional fun day out with the cheeky little noodles! We were reading a the other day about what different houses and homes look. Table talk. I will definitely use your advice about looking further down the road in life as we make this huge decision. Hugs. I absolutely loved/love being an only child! How wonderful this post and comments are, And timely for my family. People always ask about more kids and we just say no we’re done. I was ill from conception to (early) birth and miserable. I wish it were an option for me. He will be fine-I am an only child and I can tell you I have been through a lot, especially as an adult, but I never wished I had a sibling. Dear Lindsay, Now, though, I have an 18 month-old and it feels increasingly likely that he will be, by choice, my only child. It took seven years — and five miscarriages — to have our child. When I was little, having children was my main goal in life. Any child is a miracle, so families should never be made to feel they are any “less than” by having one. Don’t project on your daughter how you think she might feel. But it’s not! About 4 months into the pregnancy we found out that we were having a girl. I’ve tried not to forget this conviction, but the societal and family pressure is so strong that it’s easy to be swayed. Parenting is one of the toughest jobs on this planet. Six months later, I was diagnosed with secondary infertility. I appreciate your message so very much! Instead of a child, I have given him world full of joy, play, friends, fresh air, animals, cousins and utter devotion. So I go back and forth between telling myself it’s fine for that to be my reasoning and feeling like I’m robbing my son of the experience of a sibling just because I can’t bring myself to do something that hard. Thank you for this wonderful forum cup of jo! A year passed before my next pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. I have always been very open about our fertility challenges and how blessed we feel to have come through it all with our precious boy. I realize you aren’t trying to offend anyone by making this comment, but if you read through these comments, you’ll find that A LOT of mothers that are commenting on this post have an only child by circumstance (myself included) and to hear comments like this is truly hurtful. We’ll see what the future holds, but reading all of these beautiful and honest comments has been so uplifting and helpful in what our future might be with our daughter. Some kids need a lot of attention and structure, the kind you can’t get when you have siblings and working parents. Hi Margot, please know you are not alone in feeling this way. And other people’s kids are still not very interesting to me! But fast forward 3 years later I see him bringing her a glass of water and her asking for extra candy “for my little brother..yeah that cute one over there” and I see what I might have missed. I am the mother of a bright and beautiful ten year old, and I am grateful for my one and only! Thank you SO much again for your response. My husband is nearing retirement and I’d JUST given up on that dream and accepted the fact that experiencing life overseas wasn’t going to happen. It’s also stressful dealing with aging parents alone, especially from a distance. Some adopted children feel and strong desire to seek our their birth parents and some don’t. Catherine, you MUST check out “Matt and Doree’s Eggcellent Adventure”, an amazing podcast (featured here on CoJ last year! Your son will too! It was hands-down the most stressful period of my life, but I survived, and pregnancy was this weirdly comforting constant during this terrible time. Many parents (mainly mothers) feel strongly about their ‘small’ family and worry about it. This is such a lovely piece to read (and the comments). As much as I have always liked being an only child I fear the day when my (our) parents will need more help in their daily life or even full time care and I‘ll have no siblings to support me. I told her I thought she was asking the wrong person since I am an adopted, only child. My son is 5 years old and lights up our lives. It’s hard to feel guilty with a perfectly content only child like that. Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone that has shared their hearts in response to this post – it is my lighthouse when the storm of my deepest parenting fear overwhelms me. Though, admittedly, it’s never actually helped me with decision-making in the past, I still maintain that there will be a situation in which this strategy will work, and I think the second kid issue might be it. Good luck. I’ve got this. And Melody, your comment echoes exactly how I feel! I have read that the emotional health and development of child is based on quality of the relationships with their parents, not siblings. Catherine – my prayers and thoughts are with you, whatever you decide. We live in a family-filled neighborhood, so he has playdates constantly. When my son was little, I too wondered how it would be for him not having a sibling, so I know what you mean. Do you ever feel that way? I can only hope my daughter will be courageous enough to make her own choice in the future. Everyone I talk to about it has been saying that I should have more I wont regret it and stuff but my life feels full right now in all directions.. family,work,friendship and I dont want to change any of that. Still not the same as siblings and we realize that, but God had other plans for us. Despite my fears of something going wrong, my pregnancy was uneventful and my daughter was born healthy. I never dreamed the path life would take but now I can’t imagine a life without THIS child at this time in my life. I never wanted another, and am completely content with the one I have. What a great reminder that even though life will not go as planned, it can still be really, really good. It is probably even true at times. Having only one child allows the parent to be more attuned to the emotional needs of the single child. As I kid, I would’ve loved to have a sibling, but in hindsight, I realize I had great advantages being an only child. After being on my feet at work for 9 hours and then coming home to a highly active toddler I can’t say that adding a baby to the mix ever crossed my mind. Barb, I am also more of a comment reader but felt so compelled to reply to you. Good luck on your journey! Laurel, you’re so sweet to ask – I just do it freelance, but here’s my website: https://www.oliviamullenphoto.com/. I think only recently have I, we, come to the awareness that we’re done and happy (and SO relieved). Another one in the same boat… miscarriage, secondary infertility, 42yo. Susan Newman, PhD, a social psychologist, parenting expert, and author of The Case for the Only Child: Your Essential Guide, says the reasons for this include infertility issues (we're waiting longer to get pregnant) and financial pressures, thanks to a sluggish economy coupled with the high cost of raising a child (nearly $227,000 from birth to college). I am more a comment reader than a one who “posts” but felt it would be helpful to write and share my experience. But sometimes you wonder… or worry… Anyway you are certainly not alone – and I relate so much to what you said. It’s extremely helpful to hear how others have responded to these types of comments. Our daughter is lively and challenging and at nearly 4 years old, I wonder if introducing a sibling in a year or so would bring her and us the joy we think it would. The question that led us on the path of whether or not to have a child was this…what will our lives feel like in 10, 20, 30 years? Even though he’s not my blood, I can already see traits that he’s developing because I’m in his life. This is exactly how I feel about my only-child-dom. Thank you for pointing out, 0 is an option, even if it’s not someone’s first choice. Siblings arent always close. Im sure having a second child would be far far easier than my first, My husband and I DO have somewhat of a choice whether or not to have another child and seeing as it’s one of the biggest decisions I’ll ever make I’m so grateful for the firsthand experience you presented. Long story short, I now manage my pain and my son is the most amazing 4 year old. "Is he your only?" For the first time in my life my cycles are doing wildly erratic things and it’s as if my body is making the decision for us. Becoming a mother, and especially being a mother to a newborn baby is incredibly hard, and harder for some women than it is for others. I never post comments (I don’t even have social media accounts) but this article and the following comments have made an oddly profound impact on my life. Also, loved how Stacey formulated it – it is how i feel exactly – it is not up to that person, or her son, to decide on another one! Sending you warm wishes. xoxo. I find that a child is a like giant magnifying glass for my insecurities and imperfections. It’s a choice that feels so right for myself and my family, and yet so difficult to explain and justify to others (including the critic who lives in my head). Please take care of yourself. He’s an extrovert and I’m not amd I think it would be easier for him to have a sibling. So I think any number of kids is good as long as it makes you happy about your life (and 0 is a number too). We all are. This is one reason why we’ve decided to just have one. As a child of a mother who probably shouldn’t have had children I can say with the utmost certainty: there’s nothing worse than being the child of a parent who can’t truly love you. No, I think one for me (But as my husband says when I question his comfort level with one, “you are the one hanging on to 10 bins of baby and maternity shit, not me”). Hoping that a decision will eventually become clear. I feel that women are frowned upon if they don’t have maternal feelings, or enjoy the role of motherhood, which isn’t fair. Although it would be great for him and my daughter, I refuse. Depression, anxiety, lack of resources, feeling like something wasn’t right… ? This was such a great comment. Just search the name or IVF on the blog and it should pop up…) on all things IVF. When are we going to give ourselves a break and say screw stereotypes?! Thank you for sharing and for your encouragement. I know this sounds silly…. Take care and lots of love to you xxx. It’s darkly amazing how suffering put me in touch with my spirituality very quickly…. I always thought that once my son was out of the baby stage I would start to long for another, but he’s now 3 and none of those emotions of wanting another have been triggered. We love having an only child and would be fine if that’s bhow things permanently worked out, but we’re also starting to discuss the possibility of a second child at some point. I remember when my son was age 4 and he too would ask for a sibling but by age 6 he was over it. It might be a cultural thing (Asian), but I have seen some of my friends without siblings at a parents funeral and it just broke my heart. I was completely shocked to say the least. 5 miscarriages, one child (7) and finally thriving in the what-it-is not yearning for the what-I-wanted. Our stories are so similar, down to just about every detail. Your husband’s sentiment resonates so much with me! Frankly, for me, here is how I came to the tip the scale decision to have a child with my husband…. Sigh. I also have a few friends with only children and the sole reason they don’t have more is because they got divorced and haven’t met someone with whom they want to expand their family. In the beginning it really annoyed me, but now, I just smile and say no and keep it moving. Maybe there are some ways to “take the edge” off your daily emotional experience by attending to your mental health. I grew up in a family of four and while I treasure my sisters these relationships are complicated. It’s frustrating to have worked so consciously at reconciling this loss and then have it rear it’s head again with the anger about my infertility also resurfaces.. Recently, both of my parents have had major health issues and it’s the first times I’ve ever really wished I could have someone else to equally share the burden of bringing them to appointments and coping with the stress that is involved. Some days the longing for another baby and the loss of the one I had is so strong that I feel it tugging hard deep inside my chest. I would love to just fully embrace our little 3 person family but somehow I’m caught in this distressing limbo. Finally we gave birth to a gorgeous, healthy boy, who had colic for the first five months of his life. If he expresses some loss about it, you will help him work through that and he’ll be able to move on from it. However, for some parents, having an only child is not a choice they make. Ouch! Sure, it was nearly impossible to get away with anything given that I was the only kid my parents had to worry about. Sending love your way. I assure you, I have not allowed myself to be pressured into having a child. While I respect my parents decision to have one, I disliked it as a child (and asked for a sibling every year for Christmas) As an adult, it’s even worse. Although- we might not have a choice in the matter, which I think will help. And it’s especially hard because with conceiving a child, absolutely everything is out of your control. My son just turned 5 and I grew up as an only child primarily (my brother was 14 years older and moved to live with his dad in another state when I was a baby) and I never had any complaints. Oh, Rebekka, I couldn’t have said it better myself. Nothing. We’re all in it together.. be it 1 or 10 babies!! And not that anyone ever admits to feeling it, but I wouldn’t want to risk ever regretting a 2nd child. I had a horrific pregnancy and couldn’t manage another one. The key thing for me is to look for help. I think from reading your comment if she grows up to be like you she will be lovely, she will accept that she isn’t perfect, she will have her insecurities (we all will) and she will make her own decisions based on what she wants because you are bringing her up to believe that she can make whatever decision she wants. Women who are happy not being mothers would be a welcome post. I asked my mom about siblings and she said that after the collapse of the USSR and the image of 5 yr old me standing in bread line while she stepped out to get in line for milk – she made her decision to focus on me. I don’t mind bc it’s easy for me but what irks me is when people complain constantly about how much stress their kids cause-activities, fighting etc. He’s 11. we’ve done a few posts on infertility but would LOVE to do more: The IVF failures are devastating but you still hope. Even reading some of the comments here is too upsetting. I recognize those great opportunities but my heart just longs for the chaos of two kids. At 28, single, and still in school, i unexpectedly got pregnant. Sometimes I wonder whether having just one is the perfect compromise. It’s not a special trait of onlys – you can see that in children with siblings any day. That little love of mine had let go. My daughter is just now discovering that it is not common to be an only child in our community. Hope you can find some peace in your decision soon. And it is lovely, either way. Eggcelent Adveture podcast is great! He’s an entrepreneur and dealing with more than he felt was his share of the infancy stage isn’t something he’s crazy about possibly doing again. <3. Such a blessing was bestowed upon us. He’s a dreamboat. of this!” But we live in an extraordinarily expensive city (that we like), and I’m not sure how we would afford childcare, college, etc for both. I was worried that John would be disappointed, but he got it. So two. He's the sweetest, most caring person and I love him more than anything but I don't know if I'll enjoy being a mom. And, if it doesn’t give me peace, maybe I’ll know that it’s the wrong decision. And actually inspired me to make a list of the pros and cons. Sarah, if you haven’t checked out the podcast, “Best of Both Worlds”, do so now! WebMD does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. My partner and I both want to remain child-free. Of course I see sisters who are best friends and think about how nice that must be, but I’m extremely happy with my life and having such a special relationship with my parents. I struggled with post partum depression and had similar feelings. I just wish I could have checked it out for myself! Each family is so different. I suspect single parents would agree that it would be easier to have a partner to help – but only if that partner was actually helpful. Still, some of us can't shake the feeling we've done something wrong. With my 40th birthday looming, I still swing back and forth between continued hope for a second child and joy/acceptance with having one wonderful child. But I’d love to hear more from women (especially single women) who made a conscious decision to remain child-free, and live with it very happily. We have twins, as a result of years of infertility treatment, and I assumed they would be our “onlies.” But my husband has voiced his feeling that although we have two, we only got to expereince each stage of parenting once. She’s healthy, SO happy, and we were able to get her on a schedule and she sleeps through the nights. Every time she had a baby, my daughter wanted a sibling. Everyone says it gets easier, but it hasn’t and I don’t know when it will. So your daughter may always still want a sibling but at some point she will get to a good place. We did talk about it but I think neither of us were committed enough to a second to push too hard, and time just kept ticking. I’ve already “given” him the most wonderful child and to assume I “owe” him one is just…ridiculous. My little girl is 19 months. I think of it much like single parenthood. I grew up as an only child. As an only child, I always wished I had siblings when I was growing up, and acutely felt the loneliness of being an only child during my dad’s long illness and ultimate death during my early twenties. Why is it just getting easier and more fun? When our son was about a year and a half old, we agreed that I would go back to work and he would stay at home with him. I’ve never had one, how would I know! it breaks my heart that we are unable to give our daughter a sibling, so please don’t say how awful it is and how you’d never do that. I’m also very conscious of the impact of a large human population on the Earth’s systems and the fact that my son will inherit all these broken systems… I don’t feel right adding another human to this mess. There are tons of Mormon kids’ songs about motherhood, and I remember singing this one at four years old: “Of all the jobs, for me I’ll choose no other. Go play kitchen. Personally I don’t think dealing with aging parents is easy with a sibling or without one. Yes, we’ve been told we need to have another or asked if we’re going to have more. I worry about how that would change and it kind of breaks my heart. I think it’s so amazing that you are living abroad with your family. This post invoked in me a strong and deep reaction. That usually shuts them up. I took a good three months to really process it and talk to my mother and my sister about it. I have always felt that since the industrial revolution has long been over that overpopulation is a huge problem and that having multiple children to teach them to share or to create a “real” family is just a conceit. This is so me! My parents had my brother after we immigrated, so we are 9 years apart. The thought of “trying” after such prolonged infertility just felt so awful to me. She is the most wonderful, sweet, intelligent little girl, full of energy and as silly as any 5 year old, but I just don’t like being a parent AT ALL. I think a lot of older parents have similar stories to mine. I am comforted by my son’s numerous only-child friends (it seems much more common nowadays), his cousins who will provide some of the sibling-like relationships I wanted for him, and the shared stories of fellow single kid moms out there. 3 miscarriages, a few chemical pregnancies and 4 rounds of Ivf later I’m finally trying to accept that this is outside my control and not going to happen. Was so over the moon! Maybe it’s not in the cards. I would never wish she wasn’t born because she is such a lovely smart funny girl. When my son was three, I thought I was pregnant for about two days and I felt incredibly panicked and resentful about it, which really clarified for me that I didn’t want another. :)) I guess it all depends/control how life turns out. and toddler behaviours are way more than I can handle in a calm manner. I also treasure the time I can lavish on my girl (she may not love this later in her life ;), and am anticipating the ways we can give her a childhood rich in all kinds of experiences. it was really hard to make close family and friends to stop asking and urge us to have a second child to “keep company” to Chrysianna. You are right that a partner and friends are so important to fill that sibling role later in life. But I do sometimes feel judged. You never know what will happen in life. Overview. They have never brought up in therapy any impact that being an only child has had for them. It’s just so insensitive. My husband’s grandmother always said that we all think we’re so clever and full of forethought when we decide how many kids we want, when at the end of the day there’s a number beside your name in a book upstairs and there’s nothing you can do to change it. Why couldn’t it have entered my mind when he was younger? There are a ton of reasons to have only one kid and it’s a completely personal decision (and often not a decision at all), but my only-child experience has convinced me to have more than one, if I’m able to. Maybe read through the comments and see all the positive ones about having one baby and see if you can get excited for that life. 99.3% of the time, I’m right there with him. One way or the other- it’ll be meant to be. Jo – I definitely think this would be a great series to support all the open men who gave infetitlity and feel its taboo. In truth I always grew up wanting two things: to live in an apartment, not a free-standing house, and to have only one child. Another round of low milk supply? :) When our almost 17-year-old son, Dylan, was about two years old, we had the conversation about having more. Your life is yours; let us live ours. As a parent of one, by choice, I always felt we were complete and did not need to keep going. I feel we aren’t fully enjoying the son we do have cause of it and he is so amazing. What damage might be done if they have a second child and have to parent two kids for 18+ years? I have a huge list on all the “typicals”. They were talking about how spoiled and selfish she was. Thank you for your reply and insight. One strange story: I once read an online dating profile from a man who wrote “Only children need not respond.” Ouch! Isn’t it crazy to think how a blog post or comment could affect this huge decision in a reader’s life? As you mentioned, I certainly did NOT mean to offend! We focus on what we DO have! I mean I had a really hard time with my baby at first, and she was perfect. There are other ways to feel love and show love. So sorry that things feel so hard. A surgery was scheduled for the doctor to attempt to close the hole it was successful until her kidneys gave out. We never felt comfortable with exploring infertility options and our hearts weren’t called to adoption.